A Rebirth

2012 was difficult in many ways. One of the most difficult years I've had. I went through the motions after April. It was a bit hazy and here I am in Yellowstone National Park during the winter. A place I was hoping I could just get away and focus on me. And I've done a good job of doing that. My job allows me to work 12 sometimes 14 hours a day. I have kept mostly to myself but still managed to meet people and be myself. I have a hard time forgiving myself for many things in the past. I've thought long and hard about my decisions and the road I'm on and the road I want to be on. So, sort of disappearing into the 'wilderness' was what I needed. 
And so here I am. The final day of 2012. And I know where I want to be. I know the man I want to be. No matter what other people say I know that I am full of goodness. I'm not the Pan. I'm a grown man full of a young spirit that some people only dream of having. I'm not ashamed of that. 2013 - don't be good, be great. 
And so as I look into the future, I will be on my path. A path of greatness. I will forgive myself and let everything go as the sun rises tomorrow. I will fill my soul with positivity. I will not take things personally. I will live the good life. The great life. 

Wolves

My second day in Yellowstone I didn't think was going to be that exciting. I had the morning off because there was a CPR class that most everyone else had to take. So I was asked to do some busy work down in Gardiner. Mammoth and Gardiner are 5 miles apart, down a hill where the road runs next to the Gardner River (yes, spelled differently go figure). The Gardner River is where the "Boiling River" is located. Where a thermal hot spring river runs into the very cold Gardner River making a wonderful place to relax in the warm mineral waters. 
After an hour or so, I was driven back up to Mammoth. But along the way, we spotted a black Wolf. Not completely black but black running from nose to hind just to the middle of him and grey down the rest of him. I say he because he was a big Wolf. Easily 140 pounds if not more. With him were 2 grey females, smaller in size but still very impressive. They watched us watch them for 5 minutes. They couldn't have been more than 50 yards off the road. So close that you could see their eyes looking at you. It was quite intimidating. They were eating off of some carcass which I couldn't make out. Just as we were going to pull away, another grey Wolf came out of the sage and made its way over to the other three. 
It took me four years of leading trips in Yellowstone before I saw my first Wolf. And even then, they were far off in the distance in the Hayden Valley. Tiny specs running around in the sage. You were lucky to see them move at all because they blend so well into their environment. Last May I came through Hayden, which was still covered in snow. In the distance a black male Wolf and his female companion played in the snow. Still very far off but with the snow, very easy to see. I had seen this black male as a pup 3 years before when other wolves had to corral him and almost force him back to the den. He was now the alpha male of his pack. 
When you are in the park, people talk about the winter and how it's very common to see wolves on the roads and very close. I hope I get to have that experience. 

A Special Place

I arrived in Yellowstone National Park at 9:15am after a stay at Chico Hot Springs. A little treat for me before I started my job as a snowcoach driver at Old Faithful. 

I had no idea what to expect. I didn't get a lot of information beforehand. All I knew is that I needed to be here before 10am on this date. 

As I walked in I heard people saying hello to each other, telling them what they had been up to between seasons. Exactly how I am when I see my fellow guides. But this time I was the new guy. Most, if not all, the people working this winter have worked in the park at some point. I am the only driver that hasn't worked in the park this past summer. 

It reminded me a lot of the first day at Mars Hill College. You go in, fill out a ton of paperwork, get your uniform, get your ID picture taken, go fill out more paperwork. 

I finally settled into my dorm. Yes, a dorm. I even have a roommate. I am only here at Mammoth for 2 weeks for training before heading down to Old Faithful and the Snow Lodge. 

We eat in the Employee Dining Room, affectionately called the EDR. It's cafeteria style but decent meals so far. There's even a salad bar. I have made it my goal this winter to eat less and lose all the weight I've put on the past couple of years. There's a gym and a basketball court for employees. I ate alone tonight, just settling in and thinking. 

The past year has been difficult. Last December I was going to get off the road and settle down. That didn't work out and it was a difficult time for me. So I went back to guide for a company that was based in Colorado. Weeklong and more active trips. 

After my season I took a road trip with a very good friend. We had the best trip I have ever taken. I was able to enjoy places I normally wouldn't have been able to really enjoy because I was 'working.' I hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. I was able to really focus on me and what I want in life. You could even say it was a little life changing. 

So, here I am. Focusing on me. Focusing on where I want to be in life. Getting away a bit in an amazing place. A place that many people never get to see in the winter. The weather is unforgiving at times. Average temp in the winter is 9. It's not easy to get here during the winter. There aren't that many tourists. Wildlife is out. And close. Bears, wolves, bobcats, pine martens, bison. You can find a place just for you. A special place. 

June 2012 - Arkansas

Friends.......................Lake Quachita. Hot Springs. Back Porch Saison. Friends knee deep in the water. When we think we are alone, we aren't.
When everything is lost.
When you are at the end.
When life says that's enough.
there are the people that love you.
the people that show you that life is still worth it.
Armor IPA.
Why just be good? Be great.

Leaving

I love to visit. But most of all I hate to leave. I recently took a road trip and visited some friends I hadn't seen in a long time. One I hadn't seen in 14 years. She got married and has 3 awesome kids. I was only coming in for the night. 14 hours. When I arrived (later than I thought I would've been there) she had soup on and a cold beer waiting. It was like no time had passed and I had just seen her last week. We caught up for a moment, talked about old friends and then headed down to Tootsie's in downtown Nashville. It was a Monday and it was packed wall to wall. Two bands played, separated by a wall and a set of stairs. We found a table at the top of the stairs so we could hear the mash-up of both bands as we yelled at each other across the table. The thing I love about M is that even though we haven't seen each other in years, we can catch each other up on our lives fairly quickly and then talk about relevant things going on in our lives. We don't spend the entire time reliving the past. I can tell her stories about travel and she can tell me stories about how cool of a mom she is but then we just sit and talk. And not small talk either. I've always had that connection with her. It was funny to hear her say that she never really let anybody get close to her while at college. I considered her a close friend back then and so it was weird to think that she felt that way. One of my favorite memories in college (and of all time) is waking up at dawn and having a coffee on the deck of her cabin in Helen, Georgia, watching the mist rise up in the Rhododendron forest. It is possibly one of the most peaceful times in my life and I was able to share that with friends I held dear to me .

I drove out of Nashvegas with a can of coffee ("Friends don't let friends drink bad coffee") and a Nashvegas Gothic magnet in hand. I drove away, both sad and happy. I wish I hadn't let so much time come between us. 

I drove in the rain, going to see my dear friend, F, in Little Rock. The rain started to come down about 2 hours outside of the city. Traffic, rain and an accident left me two hours behind schedule. I couldn't remember the last time I saw F. He and HPF had a baby boy, Rome, 11 months ago. I felt like a horrible friend not coming to see them sooner. When I showed up to Vino's, the boys were halfway to two sheets to the wind. I will always remember the smile on his face when I walked in the door. He was so excited for me to meet his boy that was named after a great woman. He was about to burst with excitement, so much so that his eyes started to tear up. It was what he had been waiting for his whole life. But there was IPA to drink first. Every time we've gotten together in the past has been an epic hike or a week spent at the cabin or a week on the Little Red, fishing for trout and drinking more beer than we should. This time was different. We stood on the back deck and as I watched him smoke his cigarette, I downed my third beer and thought to myself, 'why do I feel that I've been a horrible friend?' He would never admit that I had been and if I did say that to him, he'd shrug it off but I felt that I've been very distant and selfish for a long time now. But as a best friend does, he says it's no big deal and enjoys the time we have right now. We drink another pitcher at my insistence and then head to another bar. We walk in and a song from our past is playing. "Change" by Blind Melon. It's the anthem to our group of friends. Anybody who's ever spent time at Mic's place knows it by heart. My eyes get watery and my breath is taken away. I love times like these. Drunk with memories as if they were a dream. The kid that played the song couldn't get over the fact that we actually knew the song and were so blown away that it was playing. He thought we were fucking with him and insisted that we were until we looked him square in the eyes and said, you have no idea how much this song means to us. I felt like one of those old men, sitting on a porch, telling stories to kids that were just finding their way. We sang at the top of our lungs to the five or so people in the bar. We finished our Guinness and against better judgement, drove home. 

We stumbled in the house and made our way upstairs. We snuck not so quietly into Rome's bedroom to see him. F touched his head and he immediately woke up crying. We left the room and let him fall quickly back to sleep. I was glad that's how I first met him. It will make for a great story when he gets older. We wouldn't..... couldn't have it any other way. 

I spent five days with the family. It was a nice change of pace. I watched Rome as he discovered new things and smiled at just about everything. I watched as his proud Papa held him dearly. I can tell he wants to tell him so much right now. He'll have to wait. But F tells him anyway. He'll tell him again and again over the years. Our stories are what makes us who we are. It's all we have really. 

My story is that I found that I need to be a better friend. That I need to keep in touch better and let myself be open and honest with the people close to my heart. I don't want to miss out on the happiness of my friends and the joys that occur in their lives. 

As I drove out of the driveway and headed into the Western sun, my heart filled with sadness. I hate being so far away from the friends that mean the most to me. I've never connected with anybody the way I did with the people that came into my life in my college days or in my early 20's. It's my own fault really. I was holding on to the past. I didn't let anybody get close. And I didn't think I could find friends like that again. Maybe I thought it was going to be too much emotional investment. And in the meantime, I've distanced myself from those people that are close to me. So, I'm ok with leaving now. Because I know that I'll come back sooner rather than later. 

i started to tell everyone about you. 

but i'm afraid they will think this is just another conquest

or chasing a dream or just another girl that has come

into my life that means nothing. i will admit i've had a few of those. 

i'm telling you this (not about conquests or women i've been with)

because i trust you. because i believe in you. because i believe in us! 

because i know there is an "us" in all of this. 

i'm sure i've told them all this before. 

'there's this girl you see, and she is amazing and....'

and? and here jay goes again. 

but what makes this different? 

i'm here, you're there. 

it's been 16 years. 

how can i miss you so much? 

i rush home just to see if i get a response. 

what makes all this so different? 

am i just chasing a dream.......again? 

everything is so cloudy and confusing but 

so clear and coherent. 

i stand at the edge of this abyss. 

did i tell you i'm afraid of the edge now? 

i don't like to get near them. 

yet, here i am. 

standing here. looking over  

into something i can't see 

and something i can't make any sense from.

and i feel a calmness over my soul. 

knowing that it will be ok. 

they say the pain gets easier. i disagree. it's always there. 

there is always a piece of sadness that stays with you, 

in your heart.......

forever. 

have you ever gone back to the wall in asheville?

i did. 

sweet sorrow.....

they painted over my love in plain, boring white paint. 

the memory of her is always there. 

i stood and remembered her as tears from those memories poured down my face. 

it all gets put away...

hidden.....

kept in that secret place where memories of lost lovers stay. 
what can we do? accept it? cherish it? 

i say mourn it. 

wonder what would've been. 

what could've been. 

what should've been. 

what would've been.

the poet's heart is dark and miserable.

it can't be any other way. 

we thrive on the pain. 

we live in the pain. 

it's what makes us feel alive.

live in the now she says......

how can i when all i want is to remember us when we were

happy and free and loved each other like no other. 

remember standing on that wall? 

screaming from the depths of our souls.....

our young, innocent and unassuming souls.

love was but a dream then.

years later i felt that love that

had long since faded. 

and love shined on us and your blue eyes

sparkled in the sun. 

but that is all a distant memory now. 

and yet, here i stay with you. beside you. 

loving you from afar. 

hoping you'll come back to me

and fill me up with the joy and love 

that encompasses our souls.