Adjusting

The past few days have been a serious adjustment. Cars, buildings, asphalt, noise, brown.....

I didn't think I'd react this way. Real life.....

I have things to get done here in Denver but am aching to get back into the wilderness. 

The desert is calling but Yellowstone has my heart. 

I thought it was silly when people would say it would be weird to drive over 35 mph. 

Once I got behind the wheel I thought 40 was 100 mph. I had to look for stoplights. I had

to look for people. I had to watch for other cars. I had to use my brake. It was a strange feeling. 

Still is. I honestly don't know if I'll get used to it. Eight months seems like an eternity. I am hoping

those months will fly by just like the winter season did. I want to be back on my skis. I want to 

feel -20 on my face. I want to see another sunset on Fern. 

But for now I'll wait. Wait out another summer so I can be where I want to be. 

Mentors

I never thought I'd have a mentor. I really didn't even know what that meant.
I'm a 42 year old 'rookie.' But I found someone who took me under their wing. She showed me the ropes. She taught me how to xc ski. She made me feel at home. She made me feel like this is where I belonged. I would say a lot of people don't get her. But for some reason she took me in. She made believe in trust again. She called me on my shit. I even call her out on hers now.
Most would say she isn't caring. But those who know her would completely disagree. She's giving and kind and compassionate.
I can't explain fully in words what she's done for me. I came here to isolate myself. I didn't really even come here to make friends. But in her I have found a best friend. Just when you aren't looking, things start to appear. It's still a long road to find myself. I couldn't have been in a better place. With a better person. She'll never quite understand what she means to me. But I'll tell her every day.

A Rebirth

2012 was difficult in many ways. One of the most difficult years I've had. I went through the motions after April. It was a bit hazy and here I am in Yellowstone National Park during the winter. A place I was hoping I could just get away and focus on me. And I've done a good job of doing that. My job allows me to work 12 sometimes 14 hours a day. I have kept mostly to myself but still managed to meet people and be myself. I have a hard time forgiving myself for many things in the past. I've thought long and hard about my decisions and the road I'm on and the road I want to be on. So, sort of disappearing into the 'wilderness' was what I needed. 
And so here I am. The final day of 2012. And I know where I want to be. I know the man I want to be. No matter what other people say I know that I am full of goodness. I'm not the Pan. I'm a grown man full of a young spirit that some people only dream of having. I'm not ashamed of that. 2013 - don't be good, be great. 
And so as I look into the future, I will be on my path. A path of greatness. I will forgive myself and let everything go as the sun rises tomorrow. I will fill my soul with positivity. I will not take things personally. I will live the good life. The great life. 

i started to tell everyone about you. 

but i'm afraid they will think this is just another conquest

or chasing a dream or just another girl that has come

into my life that means nothing. i will admit i've had a few of those. 

i'm telling you this (not about conquests or women i've been with)

because i trust you. because i believe in you. because i believe in us! 

because i know there is an "us" in all of this. 

i'm sure i've told them all this before. 

'there's this girl you see, and she is amazing and....'

and? and here jay goes again. 

but what makes this different? 

i'm here, you're there. 

it's been 16 years. 

how can i miss you so much? 

i rush home just to see if i get a response. 

what makes all this so different? 

am i just chasing a dream.......again? 

everything is so cloudy and confusing but 

so clear and coherent. 

i stand at the edge of this abyss. 

did i tell you i'm afraid of the edge now? 

i don't like to get near them. 

yet, here i am. 

standing here. looking over  

into something i can't see 

and something i can't make any sense from.

and i feel a calmness over my soul. 

knowing that it will be ok. 

the journey begins.......

i have purchased my flight to thailand and will be leaving on december 19th to tokyo and arriving in bangkok at midnight on the 21st.
i'm scared to death, but excited to death. i think i always get like this before i leave the country. i was like that when i first arrived into mexico city. but after a few hours i was roaming the streets like i'd been there for years. i don't think i'm like this when i'm going somewhere with someone. maybe it's my 'guide' instinct that pumps up my confidence and i feel at ease because i'm having to take care of someone else. i'll be heading to phuket or krabi beach in the southern islands first. i'll be bringing my harness and hopefully some climbing shoes and hope to meet up with some expert climbers so i can tag along with my beginner climbing ass. i have a feeling it will be like the first time i surfed at new symrna and the experts were yelling "hey grommet, get the hell off my wave!" that sure does bring back some great memories. haha.
i'll be sure to be posting here once i arrive. maybe it can be a 'rucksack thailand?'
this trip is somewhat of a cleansing for me. it will be good to immerse myself in another culture, learn more about me and focus on just me.
i'll take a deep breath just before i get off the plane and close my eyes to take that first step into another great new adventure.

happy trails,
jay b